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11 In lifestyle/ ramblings

relationships | how timing can screw us over

I didn’t feel like sharing an OOTD or writing a diary post or something today.  Kinda feels like I’ve been scratching the surface a little bit with blogging lately and not delving into the more personal topics, and I’m not feeling that right now.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll be back to dresses and ice creams again, but for now, here’s some relationships-related waffle for ya.  Because in mine and others’ relationships that work and fail, I’ve noticed a common theme – timing is hella important.  And also a hell of a bitch sometimes.  Hear me out!

‘If you have chemistry you only need one other thing… timing, but timing’s a bitch’ – Robin Scherbatsky

Timing and availability

Timing always seem to be against us.  In life generally, but especially where relationships are concerned.  You’re taken, they’re single, they’re taken, you’re single… or they’re away whilst you’re at home, then you’re away whilst they’re at home… you meet somebody and all seems fine and dandy but then oops they’re off to university or traveling or working on another continent.  How often are two people actually both equally available and willing to be in a relationship? Timing can be the biggest pain in the ass.

Unfortunate timing can leave you with those ‘what if’ feelings, and that’s no fun.  Ifs, buts and maybes really can be the absolute worst.  What if you had met 6 months earlier or later?  Would personality or circumstance be different enough for things to have worked out?  Hindsight eh?

I guess there are those that would say “what’s meant to be will be”, but I’m not really one to place much store in the whole fate/destiny/soulmate thing.  I don’t think there’s a predetermined ‘one’ for every one. I think there are lots of happy coincidences maybe, but lots of missed opportunities too. Not to mention the times when we just plain old ‘f**k things up’.  My two absolute favourite films – About Time and Sliding Doors – feature the ‘timing’ theme and both are equally moving and frustrating in illustrating how, literally, a matter of minutes can have a huge impact on the success of a relationship.

Timing and feelings

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just want each other at the same time? Realising how you feel about someone when it’s too late is a bitch. Realising ‘stuff’ has chipped away at the feelings you had for someone can be even worse and the uncertainty of either scenario messes with your bloody head. How much time do you give something? How long do you wait? Of course, looking back at the timing and availability thing, it’s usually the time when two people are both available that these feelings change.  Great.

Timing and age

Everybody seems to have different ideas about age differences and relationships.  Some of the happiest (young) couples I know have quite an age gap between them, so it definitely works for some.  Seriously they look so happy together it actually gives me hope that relationships are worthwhile.  I feel like ages 18-22 (just using this range for arguments’ sake) covers such a huge range of mental and emotional ages anyway,  that it’s wrong to rule people out based on a birth year.  Load more waffle about why I think young relationships shouldn’t be disregarded in this post – throwing it back to January 2015 and my thoughts haven’t changed!

I think I’ve mentioned before about my 27-year old ‘wingman’. We have some interesting conversations and one of them is about this imagined age when guys like to think they’ll be reasonably settled by.  Apparently 30 is quite significant for a lot of guys. It’s when they imagine they’ll have their relationship shit together – house, partner, maybe even a baba.  It’s not set in stone of course, but I guess it does mean that some 25 year old guys have already started looking for ‘wife’ material.    Maybe a little off-putting to be pursued by us younger gals then eh? I suppose someone cruising Tinder at 21 is very different (well, in most cases) to someone cruising at 28.  The ‘do I want to waste years’ mindset may have kicked in.    Seems bizarre to be even thinking about this now when it seems like just yesterday that we were meeting up with guys on the freezing cold park in a group of 20.

teen-girl-laptop-phone

I guess what I’m trying to long-windedly say is… no matter what you do, why you do it, who you do (pardon the pun), there’s always potential for timing to come along and screw everything up.  Timing – and it’s effects – can be so bloody kind, or an absolute bitch slap whatever your age.  Whether or not you believe in timing being tied to fate, there’s no denying it can make or break a potential relationship. You could argue that if you want to be with someone enough, timing won’t stop you. It would be irrelevant. A 30 year old friend once said to me that the modern way of dating (Tinder etc) made it all to easy for people to ‘just see if something better comes along’.  Nobody wants to commit ‘just in case’.  What about you? What would it take to make timing irrelevant for you, seriously?

lily kate x

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11 Comments

  • Reply
    Clothilde
    25th August 2016 at 11:35 am

    Hiyah! Timing is indeed so much important in any kind of relationship–not just in love affairs, but taht’s where it seems to have more importance. If I must share my experience, I used to date that guy some time ago, and we were getting along very well, and I was deeply in love. But sadly, both of us were not through with some troubles on our own. And now that we seem to have evolved in a good way, it is a bit too late – maybe because I found someone new with whom I want to give a genuine try, maybe because we became really close friends and crossing boundaries again would kill that strong friendship, maybe because we are (still) not meant to be… But maybe if we did meet some months later, things would have worked out? Who knows?
    But maybe the fact that timing interfered in relationships helped us growing up/old, and the best thing to do is enjoy present without thinking about what-ifs? But well, one cannot stop wondering about the choices we would’ve made under other time circumstances.
    Anyway! Nice to read such texts from you, although I also enjoy “lighter” kind of content. ^^
    (oh and sorry if there are some typos in my comment, my keyboard seems to be losing its mind lately, haha)
    Clothilde xxx

    • Reply
      lily kate
      25th August 2016 at 1:04 pm

      Heyy! I know what you mean – a small matter of timing can have a massive impact on our lives in loads of ways, not just relationships. Sounds like you had a really intense experience that could have ended very differently if it happened at a different time! Good that a strong friendship can come out of it though, I always think that’s the best outcome.
      I suppose there’s nothing you can do about what-ifs so there’s no point dwelling on them – if only our minds would always follow logic, eh?
      I’m glad you liked this and like the others too – I’ll be back to the lighter ones soon, don’t worry! 😀
      Lots of love xx

  • Reply
    Orli
    25th August 2016 at 12:03 pm

    Timing *is* a bitch. I bought a house with my first “love” and not a year later (mind you we had been together for nearly ten years at this point, so I was expecting a ring not a breakup!) he told me he didn’t love me any more.

    But that day was the opening chapter of a whole new life for me–a new home in a new city, a new job, a better outlook on life, really. And when I think back to it, the man I am married to now was not available until over a year after that–and to miss out on being with him would have been a true tragedy.

    So my husband and I have decided that, despite lots of pitfalls and unpleasant events in our pasts, we have zero regrets because they have led us to the very awesome present we currently share.

    • Reply
      lily kate
      25th August 2016 at 1:13 pm

      Lovely to hear from you Orli!
      That must have been such a shock, wow. 10 years is a long time I guess. Better he tell you that before a ring than after! Sounds like timing might have felt harsh at the time but was definitely worth it in the end as you’re so happy now. So happy for you 🙂

  • Reply
    Maria
    26th August 2016 at 5:50 pm

    I absolutely agree. I met my husband during my study abroad time. I had about 15 months before I had to go back to Europe. I told him from the getgo that we either get married after 15 months or we break up, because we probably won’t get to know each other better by living on two different continents. It all worked out and we are insanely happy, but if I had met him a couple of months later, it probably wouldn’t have worked out. Or maybe it would have, it was meant to be 😉

    • Reply
      lily kate
      3rd September 2016 at 4:42 pm

      Honesty from the beginning definitely worked out for you then! If you have a definite time period to fit a relationship in then might as well get it out in the open I guess. 15 months is lots of time to get to know someone, too! So happy everything worked out for you 🙂

  • Reply
    Sophi
    26th August 2016 at 5:56 pm

    I miss someone so much after reading this, but gotta accept the truth, Nicely written 🙂

    • Reply
      lily kate
      3rd September 2016 at 4:45 pm

      Aw Sophi 🙁 Tbh it made me miss people writing it, too! Thank you!

  • Reply
    Tanvi Rastogi
    26th August 2016 at 6:13 pm

    I see what you are saying – Timing is definitely everything. That’s why they say, “Being at the right place at the right time!”

    But I also think, what’s meant to be, will find a way to happen one way or the other. Can’t prove it though 😀 haha

    ❥ tanvii.com

    • Reply
      lily kate
      3rd September 2016 at 4:53 pm

      It’s amazing how much of our lives are shaped by being in the right (or wrong!) place at the right time. Nobody can prove it, but I don’t think proof matters tbh! If you believe what’s meant to be will be, that’s all that matters to you 🙂

  • Reply
    relationships | friends with benefits or dating?
    18th October 2016 at 10:31 pm

    […] sleeve than metaphorically lock myself away, it’s just stupid when you know for a fact that circumstances are gonna screw you over.  You might disagree with me, but I’ve learnt the hard way that setting things straight from […]

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